Smoking is just fine. It relieves stress, promotes an overly optimistic outlook on life (we don’t think it will kill us), and provides countless excuses for taking breaks from work. All of these things have been proven to increase longevity.

So when the people at Truth, the group behind the anti-smoking campaign, start telling you that smokers live dangerously, just remember one thing: they’re dead wrong.

The Great American Smokeout, on the other hand, is the true danger. It’s the most reckless holiday ever. What could be more irresponsible than asking all the smokers in America to stop smoking at the same time?

We’ve all had to deal with someone who recently gave up smoking. We all know what this person can be like: they’re irritable, short-tempered, anxious, and often times downright nasty. They call you names, curse incessantly and complain every two minutes that they want a cigarette. They make everything nerve-racking and annoying for non-smokers.

That’s just one person, though. For the Great American Smokeout, millions of people are encouraged to stop on the same day. That’s just asking for trouble. How do you think the riots in France started?

Road rage, spousal abuse, and workplace violence are just several of the side effects to quitting smoking. Do we want all these problems unleashed in one day?

And what happens when two extremely unstable people who have just quit smoking come across each other? The results are usually violent.

This year I’m encouraging people to keep puffing for everybody’s well-being. On average everybody knows about 20 people who smoke. Do you want to deal with 20 people ranging from irritable to irate? I don’t think so.

I say the people at the American Cancer Society should have their heads examined for creating this holiday. It easily beats out Groundhog’s Day as the most foolish holiday ever and makes Christmas stress look tame in comparison.

If the American Cancer Society thinks it’s so important for people to quit smoking, they should encourage it in increments.

Regional celebration is out of the question, since it still affects people in close quarters.
By birthday would probably be the best. People born under Aries, Taurus, Gemini, Cancer should celebrate the Smokeout the third Thursday in March. Leos, Virgos, Libras, and Scorpios should celebrate the third Thursday in July. Those who are Sagittarius, Capricorn, Aquarius, Pisces should celebrate the third Thursday in November.

This would relieve some of the burden from just one day. But that’s still a lot of people to encourage giving up smoking.

Endorsed by the doctors at Phillip Morris