To the leaders, faculty, staff and students of MHCC: I understand your school has been experiencing program cuts lately. I’m sure it must have been forced upon you by hasty decision-makers. How tragic. Many lives must have been affected.

What you fail to realize, though, is that I too have felt the effects of cuts as well. My chemical and nuclear weapons programs are all but gone, affecting the jobs of hundreds of innocent Iraqis.

But perhaps there is a solution to both our problems. Perhaps there is a way for your school to regain lost programs, and a way that I can bring my knowledge of mustard gas and SCUD missiles to the people.

Make me Supreme Leader of your school (much as Silverman is now), and I will reconstitute cut programs, along with some of my own weapons programs. I guarantee at least 100 highly qualified weapons specialists (who managed to evade United States detection) to staff my exciting new program.

Imagine the watering hole buzz that would surround campus. A weapons program would leap right off the page in the class schedule catalog. There would be no program quite like it, and I hear innovation is what’s selling these days.

Enrollment would skyrocket. It would draw in a diverse group of students, from bored housewives to pyromaniacs, from fundamentalist jihadists to the casual anarchists.

However, for those of you who may be frightened by the idea of nuclear reactors and biological agents on campus, I assure you, it wouldn’t be any less harmful than the chemicals found in the microelectronics laboratories on campus.

And don’t try to dissuade me with excuses of limited space.

I hear there is plenty of space available in the vacant Jazz Café. We cannot let that area go to waste. I am positively certain it will be an ideal setting for a weapons laboratory. How convenient that it even overlooks a large yard and the MHCC pond, a perfect location for a targeting field.

The plan comes together so perfectly, I don’t possibly see how it can be turned down.

Then again, maybe weapons of mass destruction are too big for your little community college. If you guys can’t keep the roof from leaking, how will you keep the United Nations from detecting nuclear waste on campus?

Maybe I’ll pitch this one to the U of O, or maybe OSU. I hear they already have a nuclear reactor.