Some of you students might be depressed at MHCC. You might think that just because you’re not in four-year college the odds are stacked in your favor that you’ll be living in a van down by river.

Well that may be but but but but but . . . don’t get down.

Ah. . . who I am KIDDING? This place is hell. Just look around you. The roofs are leaking, the staff is underpaid, books are outrageously priced, the lines are out of control at registration, the parking lot is crowded, thefts are high, only two of the exits work, some of you guys are stuck riding public transit, traffic is congested, pedestrians are slow, no one in Financial aid can give you a straight answer, nobody wants to join student government, there’s cigarettes and trash everywhere, most of you guys are destined to get lung cancer from all the cigarettes you’re smoking, can’t skate, the vending machines don’t work, programs are getting slashed left and right, you’re girlfriend’s probably whoring around down at ASU, there’s no strippers at the Jazz Café, every other day you’re getting a parking ticket, people are getting their financial aid taken away for smoking doobies, you guys don’t have a football team but you’ve got cross country (what the hell?), X58 has an all indie format.

Heeeew! There’s a lot you guys got to deal with. It gets me drinking . . . I mean thinking. Maybe my life wasn’t so bad after all. Maybe if I had known a place like MHCC existed at the time of my death, I would I known that I really hadn’t hit rock bottom.

Now I want a second chance. I want to go back. But it’s too late for me.

It’s not too late for you though. You’ve got to do everything you can to turn your school around. You’ve got to think of MHCC as you’re precious, soft little school. You’ve got to hold it in your hand and stroke it, and love it, and pet it, and when it tries to bite you, you’ve got to hit it on the nose and say “Bad School.” But then you’ve got to stroke it and love it some more.

You’ve got to hit the books hard. And when your friends say: “Hey what are you doing studying so hard?” You just tell them: “LAY OFF OF ME I’M STARVING (for knowledge that is).”

You’ve got to get addicted to this place like heroin, strippers, and booze.