Hey kids! Don’t come out and play. Everything is definitely not A-OK here on Sesame Street.

Not recently, anyway.

With the avian flu going around the nation, I, Big Bird, yes, a species of bird (a deformed yellow canary with a massive thyroid problem), I am quite nervous about catching and spreading this horrible disease to my beloved neighborhood.

I personally would have thought that Snuffleupagus, who always seems to have a mysterious bubonic plague-like cold or at least some kind of drug addiction would be responsible for plaguing Sesame Street. Or Oscar the Grouch, who swims around daily in used hypodermic needles and other people’s filth. But no, it turns out that I may be the diseased-one.

And think about it: If I do test positive for this flu, who really knows how many of my fuzzy brethren I may have infected along the way?

What might happen to our great ratings if I’m found responsible for infecting the kid-friendly Elmo, my classic buddies Bert and Ernie, or even lovable, furry old Grover? More than 30 years on the top of every kid’s TV list could come crashing down with this one epidemic. Oh, woe is me.

And another thing, if I actually do have it and I end up going to that great big nest in the sky, what would happen to the well-being of my dear Sesame Street? Now, I may just be getting my feathers all in a bunch here, but what would the world really be like without me? Who would teach the kids of all nations how to count to 10? Dora the Explorer? No mas! And who would point-out the letter of the day? Kermit the Frog? Hell, no. So, who, I ask? Who?! Nobody could ever take my place.

This might sound “fowl,” but what we really need to do is segregate the neighborhood. That’s the solution starting with Elmo. He’s around so many snot-nosed kids every day, he’s certainly crawling with bacterial infection by now. Can’t afford to subject my immune system to that

Grover? “The world traveler,” huh? What kinds of exotic diseases has he brought home with him recently? Going away again, Grover? Thanks for the lovely parting gifts.
But these guys probably won’t have too much to worry about themselves. Mainly it’s us birds who are at the greatest risk.

The only thing is, most people don’t notice when birds die. Right now, this very minute our population being decimated by this pandemic. It makes your Iraqi death toll look like nothing!

I feel it is my honor to make an official bird obituary roll call.

Scrooge McDuck, his lucky dime couldn’t save him this time: DEAD. Donald Duck, why do you think he’s no longer the mascot for Oregon: DEAD.Iago from Aladdin: DEAD. The whole cast of ‘March of the Penguins’:DEAD. The Winterhawks: DEAD. Tucan Sam: DEAD. Dark Wing Dark, Goselyn, and Launch Pad McQuack: all DEAD. AFLAC goose: DEAD (thank God).

Miraclously some of us are surviving. Roadrunner, Larry Bird, The Mighty Ducks, Harvey Birdman- Attorney-at-Law, Batman’s Robin, Mother Goose have all survived illnesses.

But I haven’t got it yet. So basically, what I really need to say is, I know you all like to come here and celebrate every weekday morning. But I’m not going to tell you how to get to Sesame Street until all of us diseased puppets have been isolated and vaccinated.

And after that’s all over and done with, we’ll try to deal with Oscar and his disease-infested quarters.