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Thanksgiving survival checklist:
Four essential items for making it through dinner with your relatives
The Advocate
1. Gas Mask – Pertinent when visiting the elderly, who tend to wear musk-based cologne or perfume that hasn’t been a hot item in more than 40 years. But they’re old, so they don’t know any better. When they come at you to give you a big hug and lay a wet one on your cheek, you’ll be prepared to combat the half-century old stench that will surely seep into your clothing. Having said that, wear a sweater that you can take off almost immediately.
Also useful for: Keeping yourself from smelling the scents of those elderly ones who no longer wear perfume, but diapers instead. Also, trips to the bathroom after Uncle Rupert just spent a good half-hour in there.
2. Chicken Chalupa – Stop by Taco Bell and pick up some backup food prior to visiting, just in case Auntie’s secret recipe for turkey gravy doesn’t turn out so well, or the egg-timer batteries happen to die while the bird sits and gets a little too crispy in the oven.
Also useful for: In case the food is actually good, you can feed Grandma’s annoying, yapping, ankle-biting Pomeranian some revenge by giving it some assured mud-butt for the remainder of the day. Just don’t forget the fire sauce.
3. iPod – Essential for fighting off the relatives who just keep talking, and talking, and talking . . . and talking. We’ve all been there. The same mundane questions, over and over with no escape. The real trick is to get out during a segue-way between topics, so as to prevent yourself from appearing rude. Or, you could always excuse yourself mid-sentence, throw your ear buds in, and crank up some “devil music.”
Also useful for: Averting the disastrous commentation of Troy Aikman and Joe Buck during the Dallas Cowboys game.
4. Valium – This or another drug sure to calm you when the ambiance of loud children, jokes you’ve heard a million times, your obese aunt fighting for the last turkey leg, and animals begging for food begin to wear you down. About an hour or so before you feel like your threshold is about to give out, pop one or two pills (or, drink some chamomile tea if you can’t access any pharmaceuticals) and you’ll calm right down before you explode on drunk Uncle Bob about his staunch defense of Herbert Hoover’s economic policies.
Also useful for: Anxiety attacks, which you’re bound to have after you find out the hot girl or guy you’ve been hitting on the whole day is indeed related to you.
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