|
Editorial  |
|
|
|
Heavy metal etiquette: A fine art
With summer on the way, this means a couple things for you: no more school, and rock n’ roll concerts! Rock concerts, you wonder? Music is so deeply engrained in society these days, particularly bad music, but if you haven’t been to a rock concert yet, then a.) what’s wrong with you? and b.) now is a great time to start. No need to worry, I’m here to help and make sure that you know what to do.
|
|||
|
|||
|
|||
|
1. Listen to rock n’ roll or heavy metal (better known as knowing the music). If you don’t listen to it, then start out slow. Depending on your level of rock n’ roll rehab needed, start with some classic rock like Boston, Deep Purple or Van Halen if you listen to mild rock, soft rock, or indie (lame). Move up to Judas Priest, Iron Maiden or Black Sabbath if you’re feeling frisky. No one likes a jackass that’s never heard any of the songs of a band they say is one of their favorites. Rock n’ roll concerts are applicable and enjoyable by people whose primary music ranges from classical to Latin rhythms. Their primary music must not range to emo of any sort, however, because emo kids and metal heads are at directly opposite ends of the music spectrum. If this is the case, give up now and say it was a good try at life.
2. Go to the show of a favorite band when they are in town no matter what, preferably at smaller venues. Concerts are the lifeblood of musicians and fans alike. It may taste salty and metallic, but in time you will grow to love it for the feelings of euphoria it gives you.
3. Itemize the craziness-factor of the concert. There are a few ways to determine whether the show you are about to see is going to be insane, or fairly mellow:
A. How heavy is the music?
B. In what era was the group biggest?
C. Is it all ages, or 21 and over?
After you’ve determined what kind of show it will be, there are sub-rules that you must follow as well to avoid looking like a retard, or getting your ass kicked.
4. Follow the sub-rules of concert etiquette. The sub-rules of etiquette essentially break down as follows: determine your own actions at the show by combining the craziness-factor with where you will be when the show begins. For instance, if you have nosebleed tickets (if you’re at a large venue), you basically need to stay seated and cheer quietly when songs end, because the rest of the old people around you can’t hear the speakers three miles from where you’re sitting (seriously, shell out the extra cash for a great spot). Or, if you have a standing general admission spot close to the stage and aren’t expecting to get tossed around (mellow concert), claim your spot early. Don’t be an ass and push your way through a mellow crowd if you want to get out with your neck. Nothing will piss people off around you more than that. Obviously, the reverse is true at a heavy metal show; you’re expected to mosh on the floor.
5. Head bang. Enough said.
6. Rate the experience. If you enjoyed the concert, great! Good to have you aboard! If you didn’t, try again with a different band before giving up. If you still don’t enjoy it, you’ll just have to settle for being a second-class human being. If you can’t remember the concert due to mass drinking, it’s the same as having enjoyed it. So, congratulations!
And that’s it, folks. Now that you’ve read this, you might be asking, “But Ron, what if I don’t know where to start?” Well guys, just be proactive and push it to the limit! Take a look at some concert calendars online and pick a date at random.
Don’t make excuses and enjoy your summer!