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'Batman Forever' is a stunning prophetic vision
The Advocate
Fifteen years ago, a prophetic film called “Batman Forever” hit the theaters.
Nostradamus wore a green jump suit covered in question marks, and his alter ego, Edward Nigma, had fashioned a creation known only as “The Box” that could beam television directly into the minds of viewers. Fast forward to present-day, and nearly all major television makers have followed The Riddler’s genius and produced some form of 3-D television, which allows viewers to see the tackiness of gimmick films such as “Avatar,” “Clash of the Titans” (the remake), and “Alice in Wonderland” first hand from the comfort of their own home.
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Those interested in developing a headache in record time can witness this madness first hand by getting a demo at your local electronics store. The TV works by switching images designed for each eye back and forth quicker than a person can see. Wearing the special glasses (companies haven’t quite reached the point where they can melt your brain and steal your IQ without those glasses yet), this creates a 3-D effect. At least two Best Buy executives believe this is the wave of the future, even though 3-D has failed three times already; early in film-making history (1920s), 30 years later (1950s), and another 30 years later (1980s). Thirty years seems to be the unspoken universal law of trying bad or failed ideas all over again, because last winter James Cameron gave it another go. This time, it was wildy successful; so much so that “Avatar” is set to be re-released in theaters this summer.
There are already plans in motion to be able to do everything else in 3-D. Everything, including video games, porn, e-mail, you name it. Soon, entertainment industry executives hope, the Earth’s population will mirror that of the humans in “Wall-E”: Talking piles of fat stuffed in floating chairs that have robots do everything for them. Why exercise when you can exercise in 3-D?!
There is, thankfully, a reason why 3-D has failed so many times and will hopefully do so again: People like gimmicks for only a little while, then they get sick of them. There is no practical use for 3-D, and watching football in 3-D at home on your 100-inch LCD TV will get old when you start having strokes at the rate of two per quarter. Samsung has already issued warnings about this. But, a stroke is a small price to pay for being able to stay plastered to your couch and still feel like you’re doing something with your life.
Already, people who make watching TV a regular part of their lives (North Americans tend to watch more than four hours a day on average) and especially play video games for a prolonged period of time display loutish behavior; when more things like this are added to the equation, things can only get worse. Chronic TV-watching and video game-playing is the equivalent of eating KFC’s new bread-would-make-this-too-healthy sandwich (see below) – a public declaration of “screw it, I give up.”
With this new 3-D home theater, IQ hasn’t exactly been stolen and funnelled into one person’s brain, making them a super-genius like The Riddler; it is simply given away on a daily basis by people who prefer not to do anything productive with their lives. For the observant, it is a sign of the apocalypse that stealing a person’s IQ would literally be more productive than what people are doing with it now. The tea-bagger movement is proof of this – but that is a conversation for another day.
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