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The KFC Double Down: A critical review
The Advocate
KFC has never looked too friendly to me, but on this day, I feel as though I am walking toward my funeral. I give a hollow chuckle as I realize that, realistically, I could be.
I drag my feet as I walk toward the counter. After what seems like months, I look up and lock eyes with the cashier.
“One Double Down sandwich, please,” I say, my voice cracking.
The cashier looks down. She takes a heavy breath before asking, “Are you sure sir?”
“Yes,” I say with firm resolve.
After signing the mandatory release forms, I grab my tray, and find a seat near the back of the restaurant.
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I take the thing out of its rather large box. I can feel my heartbeat increasing constantly. I grasp the two chicken “buns,’ and carefully examine the layer of bacon and cheese between them.
I close my eyes, fight back the tears, and take my first bite.
Initial Impressions: The sandwich is somewhat of a chore to eat. Aside from having no actual buns, it is rather unwieldy and large, and very greasy. The other main problem is that is has some type of mayonnaise-based cheese sauce, which, when combined with the copious amounts of grease (that means lots and lots), practically makes the thing fly out of your hands. However, it makes the sandwich slide down your throat much easier, which is lucky, because it is hard enough to swallow food while crying (which presumably, if you are eating a Double Down, you are crying and contemplating the mess that has become your life).
Taste: The taste, sadly, is not good enough to justify the creation of this monstrosity. The processed cheese flavor is overwhelming, and the chicken is nothing special. You can barely taste the sad, single strip of bacon that lies between the two, which is a problem, since bacon can usually give any food that little extra that will launch it from ordinary to extraordinary. However, assuming again that you are probably crying while eating this, the taste probably won’t come into play. One way or another, you are going to be shoving fried food down your gullet, and it is likely that the Double Down was just the convenient way to do so at the time.
Nutrition Info: The Double Down weighs in at a hefty 540 calories and 32 grams of fat. This is a very sad state indeed, since the required caloric and fat intake to actually eat your problems away is 600 and 40. Taking this into account, one is better off heading down to the BK Lounge and picking up a Whopper (without cheese), which is nearly 700 calories and 40 grams of fat. While this may somewhat shocking, what you have to keep in mind is that the Whopper utilizes ACTUAL BUNS, which are what civilized people use. The extra 160 calories and 8 grams of fat are a SMALL price in order to cling to any small semblance of humanity.
Final Thoughts: The last couple bites of the Double Down are likely to be the most difficult for you. Not only are you likely to feel slow and your stomach feels as though it is about to burst, but if you ARE going to have some type of cardiac episode, now is the time that it will take place. Also, you are going to have forgotten about whatever problems you were trying to drown in “The Colonel’s Secret Blend” and are now fully concentrating on how gross this “sandwich” actually is. It has no bread, no lettuce . . . in fact it has no vegetables of any kind. This may seem like a benign observation, until you realize that almost every other fast food item in existence has SOME type of plant matter to give it some type of healthy facade. The Double Down attempts no such lie.
In this way, it may be the most honest food I have ever eaten. With it, you know exactly what you are getting, why you are getting it, and how long you are likely to live after consuming it.
The Advocate reserves the right to not publish comments based on their appropriateness.